Sunday, August 12, 2007

Crème de la Crud

  • Take two A-list movie stars: Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez.
  • Add a torrid off-screen love affair that doesnt translate into on-screen chemistry.
  • Add a huge dollop of media hype about how great the movie’s going to be.
  • Mix in a vulgar, inane script.
Stir it all together and you have Gigli (pronounced zheelie), a movie that rivals Ishtar and Battlefield Earth for the title of Hollywood’s biggest flop. Good news: You don’t have to see the picture—you can be entertained just by reading the scathing reviews. Here are some samples.

“Looking for something to praise in Gigli is like digging for rhinestones in a dung heap.”
—Northwest Herald

“Larry and Ricki eventually climb between the sheets in a scene that is insulting to the sexuality of all living creatures, from plankton on up.”
—Boston Globe

“There is not one iota of dramatic weight to it, and so we just sit, slack-jawed, as Gigli unfolds, a cinematic train wreck of distinguished proportions.”
—Entertainment Today

“If you’re going to skip one film this year—make it Gigli.”
—Talking Pictures

“Gigli looks like a project that was intended for appreciation by precisely two people in the entire universe: Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez. For their sake, I hope they but a lot of tickets.”

“Gigli is a rigli, rigli bad movie.”

“This is a film that inspires hatred.”

“Fifty minutes into this bomb, one character yells, ‘I’m getting tired of this!’ In our theater, one audience member yelled back ‘Me too!’”

“If miscasting was a crime, Gigli would be proof of a felony.”

“The rare movie that never seems to take off, but also never seems to end.”
—USA Today

Gigli is so unrelentingly bad that people may want to see it just as a bonding experience; viewers (read: victims) will want to talk and comfort each other afterwards”
—San Francisco Examiner

“Lopez even gives a long, carefully detailed speech about how to not only gouge out someone’s eye, but to remove the memory of everything they’ve ever seen. Which, by the end of the movie, wasn’t starting to seem so bad.”
—The Star Ledger

“Test audiences reportedly balked at the film’s happy ending and wanted Gigli and Ricki to die bloody deaths. And they say critics are harsh.”
—Rolling Stone

“Not helping things is Lopez’s Betsy-Wetsy lisp that transforms a line like ‘brutal street thug’ into ‘bruel threet fug.’”
—Film Freak Central

“How on Earth did director Martin Brest envision this film? As Chasing Amy meets Rain Man meets Pulp Fiction? Did anyone think that sounded like a winning combination?”
—Chicago Tribune

“Mr. Affleck and Ms. Lopez’s combined fees reportedly ran close to $25 million, and they earn their money by hogging as much screen time as possible and uttering some of the lamest dialogue ever committed to film”
—The New York Times

Gigli is as awkward as the word itself. I suggest you spell Gigli backwards so it sounds like ‘ill gig.’”
—Critic Doctor

“For two hours, not a single hair moved on Ben’s head—not even when every hair in the audience was on end and growing in the direction of the exit’s welcoming glow.”
—Movie Juice

And finally, in a moment of candor, Ben himself reflects on the movie. Perhaps giving the movie its most glowing review.

“It wasn’t good, and we got buried.”
—Ben Affleck

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